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I remember feeling so tired and so happy all at once. There was only one problem. I remember the ridiculously inflated boobs, hot baths, cracked nipples and the hour I sat on the toilet carefully birthing my first poo. We needed a routine and a feeding and nap schedule; instead of sleeping in our arms whilst we ate our lasagne one handed, he should have a proper bedtime.

Do you reichstagsreden online dating your very first days at home with your newborn?

The milk coma thing stopped working. All the babies in the books fed less regularly and slept much longer.

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I remember getting through the door and feeling a funny shift in the atmosphere, like everything had changed. The advice all sounded so sensible. I remember snuggling on the sofa, greeting visitors, eating cake, admiring the flowers, passing the baby around and constantly disappearing to the bedroom to get half naked to feed him.

I remember greeting midwifes, crying on their shoulders and people bringing food. I remember the precious milky smell of my sons head and the sweet buttery popcorn aroma of his filled nappy. Why did I get the duff version? So I did what many a new mum does.

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He refused to get on board with the goddam book. The baby was only a couple of weeks old and he had already malfunctioned. I scoured the internet and devoured baby book after baby book looking for the answers. I remember the careful arrangement of cushions on the sofa that made it just about possible to sit down and I remember it all being made ok because I was surrounded by love.

I remember looking like absolute shit but feeling like a celebrity. Was no one going to come and ask us if we knew what the hell we were doing with this kid? I remember looking at all the cute clothes that people bought and laughing at the size of them.

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I remember the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen feeding until he was full and then sleeping curled up as a little ball on my chest.

I fed him and he remained awake, and not only that — he was unhappy awake. But despite feeling like total amateurs we were also incredibly excited to get home and start life as a proper little family of three.